A written story by Amir*

My completion. In other programs over nearly 20 years I was looking in so many places. None of them included this day, this accomplishment, this piece of writing, the inside places of this person called Blossom. I’d lost the ability to recognise hope.

From the moment I found the deceitful elixir of substance abuse, this person called Blossom ceased to exist. I ran, balked, hid and escaped, ignored and denied, suppressed and abused everything about me and my trauma and pains. I lived outside of myself at all costs. My family that chose me, my children that needed me, myself that no longer knew me, but nothing more expensive than time itself. I needed some hope.

As swift as each other, my abuse rose at the same pace as my worth dropped. Before long an empty vessel with new labels, horrible things I called myself and believed myself to be. No longer me. Where had hope gone?

I’d been rescued as a child, I needed to be and gratitude beyond measure I now carry to counter the soul-destroying burden of abandonment. This became my first passion before drugs and like my parents, yet fanatically, I went out to rescue the world. I learnt to stand up for others, yet couldn’t stand up for myself. I was guided to turn the other cheek, and turned away from myself. I knew the solitude of abandonment, yet abandoned myself, giving up on me again and again. I could hold nobody else as I couldn’t hold me. Where was this thing called hope?

My journey to the beautiful world that is mine now took 5 attempts here at Windana. The previous 4 were for all the wrong reasons. Talk about faking it till I made it. Yet from the first time here, I was introduced to hope.

That original attempt was to try win my wife back. Those huge pine trees in front of house one where then Christmas trees. After 3 months, I’d learnt to self-explore, to journal, thought I had hope, found myself at Pakenham station with $20 in my pocket really fast, an illusion, all hope was gone.

I came another 2 times. Once to get my children back, another to avoid going back to jail. I began to see the many tools this place offers, thinking I knew how to use them, pushing against the need to practice with them for a while, still ignoring my trauma’s and why I do the things I do to not feel, I left again. She was like a distant relative; I only saw hope now and then.

My addiction, refusing to surrender fully lost these battles and although I learnt a lot, none of it could penetrate the walls, shield, armour, masks and weapons of self-destruction. My behaviours were too ingrained, too sharp, too powerful and without an army, I could not defeat them on my own. So, a scared, lost, lonely, broken and bitter being I remained.

Filthy on myself and the world around me. I hated hope.

Another child who I didn’t know how to love came into and went just as fast from my life. My other children that where just hanging onto to loving me, saw again my inability to save myself, love myself, let alone another. The victim that fed my addiction had me abandoning over and over everyone and everything that deserved my love.

Things I still couldn’t see myself, too scared to look. But this little girl turned me away from hate and back towards love and hope became my friend.

Again I tried, fighting to not lose the beauty outside of me that I’d help create, whilst blind and unable to find the beauty I needed to see inside. Remaining for 6 months the last time, relying on my kids as my only connection and placing the overbearing weight of my recovery on having them in my life, I refused to connect, I denied that I needed others to help me, I had the chance of getting my children back in my life and still I had done no searching for myself. I used to say I’d die for kids, and many times I nearly did. I’d give anything to have someone special love me, but there was too much I wouldn’t give up. I’d give the world to have beauty around me, but why would I want to bring them into the dark world I lived in. Realising I had to step out of my world of addiction and not bring anyone I loved into mine. Only hope remained.

This time I came for me. Handing over everything outside of myself, control, trust, solitude, attitude, my ego, profile and every mask I’ve ever worn, everything. To the people who’ve done this before and you that are doing it now, to the one’s still to come and those that aren’t yet ready. Another whole new total surrender. If I kept on doing what I’ve always done, I’d keep on getting what I’ve always got. Hope is change.

I didn’t put the pictures of my kids on my walls, it was me I needed to look at. I’m super grateful for my karma as COVID has been another blessing. Keeping me safe and not distracted from what I needed to do, forcing me to connect with you, my beautiful peers I now know I need in my life and I’m worthy to be in yours. It gave me the pause, to learn poise, the space, to grow into, if it wasn’t for the distance between you and I, where could I enjoy the love of meeting and connecting. It is in the gap between these words, the time it takes to hear or say I love you, not the words themselves. I’ve learnt love is in the time I give to myself, my peers, my kids, my community, my world and universe. Because within time, space, distance, the pause, the three second rule the gap in between everything, there is hope there always.

And hope is everything.

*Amir is not the writer’s real name.

An interview with Lianne*

When Lianne* first entered Windana in 2019, she was homeless and on bail. After completing a 14-month program at Maryknoll, she is living independently and working full-time with aspirations of supporting young people with their mental health.

“My journey with substances began when I smoked recreationally as a teenager,” Lianne explains. Over time Lianne started moving on to
other drugs, including ice.

In 2006, she started using intravenously. “That’s when everything changed. I soon found myself homeless and on bail for the first time in my life.” Lianne first entered a rehabilitation program in 2018. “It was a private, more clinical rehab,” she explains. “Unfortunately, I relapsed four weeks after discharging.”

During this time Lianne noticed her family was starting to give up on her. “They gave me an ultimatum while I was on bail, which was the reality check I needed.” In April 2019 she began her program at Windana’s Maryknoll Therapeutic Community.

“For the first six months, I wanted to go home every day. It took a lot of encouragement to keep me there.”

At Windana, Lianne began to work through her trauma and the other contributing factors to her substance use and relapse.

“Through this process I realised I really wanted this recovery to work. I put so much hard work into my recovery at Windana, and it was here I learnt how to live, not just survive.

My time at Windana helped me to save my life.”

Lianne graduated from Maryknoll in July 2021, then spent one year in Launch Housing accommodation with a fellow Windana resident as she began stepping out into society. Now she’s living in private rental accommodation with another former resident. She still connects with Windana once a month and has made some longlasting friends out of the program.

Lianne is now working full-time as an Operations Assistant for a heating company and wants to one day study to be a youth worker who specialises in mental health.

“My dream is to help other young people learn how to self-regulate their emotions and behaviours, which is something I learned how to do at Windana.”

“I’m forever grateful to the Windana community and their holistic approach. Windana helped me relearn what I needed and wanted in life,” Lianne said.

* Lianne is not the interviewee’s real name.

An interview with Jordan*

After successfully completing the Maryknoll program in 2020, Jordan* is now working as a Peer Worker and supporting others on their journey of recovery.

Jordan first came to Windana in 2004 through the Maryknoll Therapeutic Community program.

“From that very first time you get told you’re now part of the Windana family,” Jordan explains.

“My earlier attempts at recovery were for external reasons. To get my wife back, to get my children back, and to get out of trouble.”

Jordan had years of sobriety following his second program at Maryknoll, but he eventually started using ice as his children grew and became more independent.

“I came back to Windana in 2015 to get out of trouble and meet my bail conditions.”

That time, after discharging, he returned to drug use, was arrested and served nine months in jail.

“I was pretty lonely at that stage.”

In 2018, Jordan found himself at a crossroads following four overdoses.

“Three months after leaving Maryknoll, I relapsed again. It was strange. I wasn’t craving the drugs; I was craving people and the only people that I knew were caught up in drugs themselves. I was back to being homeless. I was really at my wit’s end, and after three months of using I had a decision to make.”

In his last program, which started in September 2020, Jordan made an intentional effort to connect with peers.

“Windana created an environment where I could take off all my armour and pick up different tools for dealing with a different world.”

“I had a lot of baggage and Windana helped fix it all.”

Jordan had a $5,000 housing debt that was cleared with the support of Maryknoll’s Financial Counsellor, which helped him get back on a priority housing list. He was able to access dental treatment and he embraced the Food as Medicine program, which he still follows today.

“I’ve never been as healthy as I am today.”

Jordan now visits Maryknoll once a week, but for a different reason – to give back.

“I’ve completed peer worker training with the assistance of Windana and I’m looking at getting my first job in 20 years as a Peer Worker with a local health service.”

Jordan currently runs two peer support groups for Windana, one at Maryknoll and one at Judd House, and he facilitates the Mentone and Alma Road peer support groups.

When asked what he’d like people to know, Jordan said:

“I’m a happy man. I have peace and a calm that is unshakeable. I like myself. I love myself now and I’m worthy to be loved. I wanted to die and now I just want to live.”

*Jordan is not the interviewee’s real name